A Windy Day at Brean Fort

Picture this. You're standing right on the edge of a cliff. The wind is pushing against you, making your undone coat billow in the wind. You feel someone grab your hand, and you turn to see the familiar face of your partner smiling at you, and all you feel is that sense of pride when you know you've done good.

For someone who's had suicidal thoughts for as long as they can remember, standing on the edge of a cliff and not even thinking about jumping is a massive achievement. And thats what happened to me.

I often feel pretty rubbish about myself, especially my body. I really want to shed some weight, but I find dieting hard, as I struggle to see the line between an okay amount to cut down, and a dangerous amount to cut down when it comes to eating, and calories, and anything to do with food. I used to go to the gym, and it really helped me, but since Covid hit, that hasn't been a thing. To get myself back to a point where I could be happy with my body, I knew I needed to go on a hike, but I've gained a lot on lockdown, and I don't think I have the stamina for something big.

My husband and I have done a few short walks through town, or a small walk in the countryside after work, and every time I've been so angry at myself for not taking the camera, so this time, I decided to grab it, and I thought we could do a longer, harder walk. I recently started a new job which is mainly riding the desk, and my husband is between jobs, so what better time to really try and get into a fitness routine. It's the Easter weekend, and I have 4 days off work, so plenty of time to recover if it goes wrong.

After a fair amount of back and forth, you can guess on where we decided, from the title! We drove down to Brean, and parked at the bottom of the hill. I haven't been there for a while, and I had no idea it was pay and display which was a little awkward, but Eli sorted that out for us. We started heading up the steps, and almost instantly my breath is taken away by the views, but also the exercise, I really am out of shape! We have to stop about half way up, because I am struggling a lot. I'm not sure how Eli does it, but he didn't seem even the slightest bit out of breath! We made it to the top, and boy was it worth it. The views were spectacular, and it was so beautiful, but it was also very windy up there. We start walking round towards the fort, and the wind really picks up, I'm taking photos as I go, and I am really enjoying it.

It's been a while since I really went out with my camera. I finished the practical element of my final piece in uni before the first lockdown even hit, I did a wedding in October, but I've done no real hobby photography for over a year, so it really felt good to get back behind the lens, and really look at the world. It has changed a lot, and change is scary, but its also the only way to make things better sometimes.

We headed up the south side of the hill, and at points it was like standing right on the edge of a cliff. Once we get to the last point before dropping down the hill to the fort, the wind is coming from the sea really hard, so, like the child I am inside, I undo my jacket, and hold the edges in my hand, and lean into the wind. After a minute or so I realise I'm stood right on the edge, and all I had to do was lean a little too far, and I could fall, but I realised that I didn't want to. I let go of my jacket, and Eli takes my hand, giving it a squeeze. I know in that moment, that Eli has helped me so much to get to where I am, where I don't want to fall anywhere but into his arms. I could say that Eli is the one keeping me sane, but it's not. Eli is the one who has shown me and helped me discover the strength that I have to fight, to keep myself above water, or, in this case, above sea level.

We arrive at the fort, and have a bit of an explore, it's been a few years for both of us, so it's nice to look around, see the old and new graffiti, and see what it once was, when it was in use in the war. After a stop for some lunch, and a load of photography, we head back on the north side of the hill, a much easier path, slightly sheltered from the wind. Just enjoying the views, and enjoying each others company. We even saw a pheasant!

I'm hoping to make this a re-occurring thing, where we go for a walk, and I write about it. I'm already pretty behind, I have about 5 folders of photos to edit, and then write about it, but we're keeping up with walking every week, especially now, for once, we both have jobs that mean we have the weekend off. If I do manage to keep this up, and you, the reader, also keep up reading these, you will come to see how important Eli is to me, and how often I photograph him.

As we come to the end near the steps, we see another part of the fort, away from the rest. I can't remember what it was called, but it was all boarded up, and nothing too exciting on the inside. But I walked around the perimeter and looked through the railings on the windows. Here I could see a tiny glimmer of life shining through the derelict concrete floor of the building, the dead weeds, and the litter left by what can only be described as 'yobs'. Here I took my favourite picture from this walk. Just a flicker of light is sometimes all that's needed.

Back to the car, and back home. A great start, a great walk, with great company. Thank you for reading, and please, let me know what you think, I thrive off others' opinions, especially when it comes to my photos.

-Jesse Cather-Long

Photo's taken at Brean Down Fort on 28th March, 2021

Written on 17th April, 2021